I received a feedback that there is a decline in my maturity level in last few days.

Had it been some other person giving this feedback, I never would have accepted it.  I very conscious about my behavior. Even If I’m at a big loss, I don’t give up my maturity.

But this  feedback came from a very nice and matured person. So I have to trust this feedback and take it in positive sense to improve upon my mistakes. I definitely try to get back to my old level of maturity, if I can’t get to higher.  But in the meantime, I lost confidence of people because of this immaturity.   Now I must look at the reasons what caused this . It’s not about finding excuses but more of  introspection.

I found two reasons… one is frustration and illusion…

A few days back,  I faced a shocking revelation.  One of my ex-colleague was going through some tough time and I was helping her finding better job and her husband.  I tried helping her all the ways I can do for her.  Now I got to know, that there is not so tough condition for her and she is already having a good job.  This broke me very deep inside . I found myself in world of illusions , and not able to understand, whom to trust and whom not.  This was the incident I couldn’t share with anyone and I had no one to talk and take out my frustration.  There was only one friend whom I can talk about it , but I annoyed and hurt him as well with my stupid ways.

I am feeling very insecure because of all this illusions and frustration.  And made some more mistakes with this insecurity .  At this time, my maturity must have stopped me doing stupidity. But got in control of my illusion and kept on doing more stupid things.  .  I might have recovered much better, having some help. I just need to talk out from deep which I can’t talk with anyone. Thoughts are boiling and most of them are junk, but need to speak up and get them away from my mind.

Unless it is shared , people don’t understand our state of mind and they expect same old behavior and maturity. The feedback gave me a chance to rethink about it Now, I only have to control my frustration and come out of illusion.  There will be internal fight with illusion and frustration. At the same time,  I need to be more careful that I should not hurt anyone anymore.

I have been recovered from worst situations and I am sure, I will recover soon from here as well. Only worry is , I should not lose more things which I don’t want to lose.

The other reason…desire and eagerness,

I have some desire,  and which is one of my deep focus for now.  The desire makes me restless some times. But my Maturity often helps me to get back to normal most of the times.  But when my desire had bad hit because of my illusions, I became more restless and insecure. My eager caused more damage.  I mostly care others than I do care myself and I don’t expect anything in return. In eager of  desire,  I expressed my care as my honesty, but it came out in some idiotic ways which  appeared like I am asking favor against my care.  This is obvious enough to create anger in other person as no one is asking me to take care of them.  My maturity also tells the same thing. It’s my nature of caring others, it should not be used to ask favor from other.  But the damage is already done.  Immaturity in the expression is already noticed.

I lost too much because of this immature behavior. But I must thank to the person who gave me this feedback. It really helped me in two positive ways. First , gave a chance to retrospect my behavior and improve. Second … gave me confidence, that I had higher level of maturity and bar is higher to deliver higher .

Thank you. 🙂